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Major epiphany over a cuppa joe
mood: 
determined
determinedJust now, for the first time in years, I drank a cup of French Roast coffee. French Roast is my favorite, but I haven't bought it lately because at my local Giant, the organic fair trade brand doesn't offer that variety. But for several months they've sold Newman's Own French Roast one shelf over. Newman's Own--fair trade, organic, profits go to charities, etc. You'd think I'd grab it with glee.
No. It costs fifty cents more. I was "saving" it for a time when I really deserved it.
But for some reason last week I'd had enough. I bought the Newman's Own. This morning I took a sip of the first cup and thought, hmm, I made it too weak. But as I kept drinking I realized it wasn't too weak, it was just smooth. Sweet. It didn't burn the back of my tongue with bitterness. It didn't make my stomach roil and rebel and crave the Pepcid AC.
It got me thinking: what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I such a masochist? Why do I habitually deny myself the things that would make my life a little brighter? What did I do to deserve such self-loathing? (Don't answer that.) Or am I just a modern-day Puritan?
For instance, the books I most want to read, the ones that would make me happy (such as Christopher Moore's A Dirty Job and a handful of funny contemporary romances) aren't even in my TBR pile. They're on my bookshelf, the place for books that will be read someday but right now don't even qualify for the on-deck circle. Because I don't deserve them until I've slogged forty-nine more dreary, "edgy" novels where tortured souls try to stop the Apocalypse of the Week. (Right, like there's a lot of suspense there. Gee, I wonder if the world will end? Please please please let it happen and put these characters out of
Fuck that. Life's too short. From now on I'm going to read books that make me laugh and coffee that makes me go "Yum!" I'm going to reward myself for reaching milestones, instead of just telling myself I should've reached them sooner.
But I don't know how. How do you reward yourself? Can you teach me? Can joy even be taught?
What about you other workaholics? Do you punish yourself for not living up to your own impossibly high goals? Or am I the only one half-soaked in this ever-present puddle of dread?
In the past five years I've made a conscious effort to moderate that -- yes, it is important to save [see: irony, current world financial situation] but it's also important to enjoy the moment, too. I buy flowers and good wines, and perfume that makes me happy... but I still have to remind myself that it's okay to do so. I'm not being foolish, I'm living.
I've tried joining online groups where people set up daily/weekly goals and encourage each other for making them, but it always feels so rah-rah cheerlead-y, it's just not who I am. It seems like the work getting done should be its own reward--I shouldn't need to Stuart Smalley myself.
I like little rewards. When I'm having a really hard time, I set a goal of that's very small. Say, 100 words, and then I can have fifteen minutes to screw around on the internet. I set an alarm some days. Then 100 more words, rewarded with fifteen more minutes making a good pot of coffee and sitting in the front yard with my dog. Then 100 more words... and after a few hours, I usually end up with some semblance of a word count, and even better, it doesn't always suck. ;)
For bigger rewards, I have a restaurant here in town that is kind of pricey but oh-so-delicious. When I finish a manuscript, I get to go. That's the ONLY time I go there (unless it's my birthday). No matter if I finish that WIP on deadline or after, or before. If it's late, I still finished it! And that's worth celebrating. (If I finish it on time, maybe I go to my favorite bookstore right before dinner, or buy a bunch of music I've been craving. A double reward!)
Actually, I did a reward last month. I bought a CD I really wanted, but then felt guilty about spending the money, so I used it as bait. I wouldn't let myself unwrap it until I finished a short story I'd been avoiding. And then I *really* enjoyed it.
I think seeing it sit on the CD player in its wrapper inspired me more than the thought of it in the nebulous store somewhere. Because if I haven't bought it yet, then I can save money by not rewarding myself and thus have an excuse for not finishing the thing--fiscal responsibility!
I am so perverse. I need help. ;-)
And hey, it's better to own your flaws. ;)
And maybe read AuthorGuy Chris Moore before something that sounds like it's painful homework?
First off I never deny myself books. Never. I always read what I want. If I am in the middle of something, I can't read it, but books are not a treat they are a way of life. I get big things if I accomplish something big. When I went back to work, I got a new pedicure. When I got a nice big raise I got a tattoo. If you ever watch the dog whisperer or Nanny 911 they both are big on instant rewards for better behavior. So denying yourself can actually be worse in the long run.
At least I tell myself that ;)
The thing is, I have books I'm obligated to read for various reasons. Sometimes it's to give a cover quote, sometimes it's to judge for a contest, sometimes it's a book by a friend, and sometimes the feeling that I should be "reading in my genre." I greatly enjoy these books 99% of the time, but they rarely would be my first choice to yank off the shelf if it were entirely up to me. The stuff I enjoy most purely is outside my genre. This is probably not an accident, because I can just read it without analyzing. If I actually wrote in the genre I enjoy reading most, I probably wouldn't enjoy it anymore. ;-)
Although, now that I think about it.... I listened to that one via audiobook, which is how I "read" a lot of the books I really really want to read. Like you said, I save my rare reading time for books I feel obligated to read. But then I put the fun books on my iPod and listen to them while I'm doing non-fun necessary stuff, like washing dishes, doing laundry, brushing teeth, etc etc. Truly, it keeps me sane.
I'm a perfectionist, so I know all about punishing myself for not reaching goals. If you learn how to reward yourself, let me know. :-) I usually end up working really hard for as long as possible and then crashing. I know it's dumb, and yet I keep doing it.
What about giving yourself half an hour each day to do something totally fun/relaxing/non-productive?? Doesn't sound like a lot, but it could make a big difference. And definitely splurge on yummy coffee. :-) Good luck!
The point is to get off the merry-go-round every now and then and celebrate the cool stuff. Have that extra bit of ice cream, read the books you want to read, blow $$ on flowers or whatever you would really like. Do all that in moderation and it's a treat. Do it too much and you'll need a Wall Street Bail Out plan of your very own.
In essence - enjoy life. You only got one unless it's your karma to come back as a hermit crab the next time around.
Balance, my friend!! It's all about balance. Should you book that trip to Tahiti you've always wanted just because you vaccuumed (sp?) for the first time in six weeks? Mmmm, probably not. But a good cup of coffee is a completely appropriate reward for the hours of thought and creativity and--let's not forget!--discipline you put forward for all of our benefit every day. Hell, we should probably all rotate turns buying you the Newman's as a thank you.
I'm a bit of a hedonist, I admit. My self discipline and balance are learned skills from external sources and are very much a work in progress. But I definitely think there's some merit to the old adage 'all work and no play make Jack a dull boy'. :)